Seeking & Serving

So, I realize I have basically disappeared from blogging for several months. I have been completing my full-time placement and summer assignments to finish my post-grad schooling - and I finally finished it a month ago.

So what have I been up to?
I've been looking for a job, which is important and I'm waiting on that ... but more importantly - I've had lots of time to spend seeking God and asking for direction in my life. And I've had some really sweet times where He has been clearly showing me what I should be doing in this time.

The first thing God put on my heart was to get involved in serving at church now that I've moved home and will be there consistently for the next while. The past two years I haven't been actively involved in any kind of ministry or serving and it really impacted my relationship with God.. and not in a good way.. so I'm very glad for this opportunity to be serving in some capacity again!

The second major thing God has been putting on my heart  is an intense hopefulness that God is getting ready to do something in my life and to TRUST Him - to stand on His promises -- and that they really are true, and that He will provide (even if it might not be in the ways I am thinking)! I am really excited to watch and wait for God to do....whatever He's gonna do! :)

I Will Build My Church

 “But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?”

 Simon Peter answered, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.”

 Jesus replied, “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by flesh and blood, but by my Father in heaven.  And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it.

~Matthew 16:15-18 ~

I was doing some thinking on this passage from the sermon on Sunday which was about the Church and whether it's still needed (Hint: The answer is yes!)

So a few thoughts... This section has always confused me a little bit. I know Peter went on to preach and help establish and encourage believers - but the church is not about Peter.
So I read and re-read and found what I was searching for in the previous two verses which I have summed up and understand as meaning: 

Jesus will build His church, not directly on Peter, but on the revelation that Jesus Christ is the Messiah as revealed to people through God the Father. 

This truth that God revealed to Peter, the other disciples and every single believer since is what the gates of Hell can not and never will be able to overcome. Satan and all his demons and all evil can not change who Jesus is or what He's done and.. that's just really amazing! 

Building an altar

The past week I've done a lot of reflecting from a convicting sermon last week at church where there was some things I needed to repent of and get right with God, and this week I have been asking the Holy Spirit to show me all the distractions and things that have a pedestal in my mind and heart and to put those things in the right place or eliminate them entirely if need be.

It is so easy to build up an altar in our hearts or minds. And often because it's not realized (or worse, maybe it is...and it's ignored!) because we don't know the things that go on in others' thoughts it can sometimes be hard to identify that issue if it is happening to another believer. But it's not an issue one can be apathetic about, but rather one should be proactive about it.

I was reading chapter 22 of Joshua and that chapter is set just after the tribes have been allotted their land and are settling into their land the Israelites heard that some of the people had built an alter, the Israelites gathered to go to war with them (v.12) and confront them saying: “The whole assembly of the Lord says: ‘How could you break faith with the God of Israel like this? How could you turn away from the Lord and build yourselves an altar in rebellion against him now?  Was not the sin of Peor enough for us? Up to this very day we have not cleansed ourselves from that sin, even though a plague fell on the community of the Lord! And are you now turning away from the Lord? If you rebel against the Lord today, tomorrow he will be angry with the whole community of Israel." (v. 16-18)

The people of Israel took it very seriously and we should as well! While the concept of building altars to other gods or idols is a little foreign to us today or not something that's typically seen in a physical sense, it happens with celebrities, others we look up to and even concepts such as relationships, money, power, or (fill in the blank).  

Fortunately, in this case it was actually a big misunderstanding!

The alter that was built by some of the tribes was a copy of the one in God's tabernacle and they built it as a reminder or witness (v. 27) for their descendants and the whole misunderstanding was cleared up nicely after a good honest talk!

But reading this chapter brought me joy in seeing how wonderful being proactive in confronting the hints of possible sin - no matter what it is, whether that's confronting yourself with personal reflection or confronting another (with compassion!) it is something God honors and makes His heart happy when His people, then and now do the same. 

A Violence

This past week I've had a bit of a break from the onslaught of school work and have been able to get in a lot of time with God and ponder different things. And one of the things I had been pondering was just how damaging sin REALLY is, because sometimes you just need to really deeply think about that. I started to imagine what it might look like if we could actually *physically* see sin on our bodies.  Pretty terrifying thought, No one would look very appealing. The example I thought of  was an example of leprosy being a curse from God because of sin, as was believed by many of the pharisee's in the New Testament and in the case of Miriam in the Old Testament. Now, leprosy is pretty gross, and I wouldn't recommend going onto Google images to confirm that a bacterial infection can look pretty bad... But for some reason this just didn't get to me and so I was still left with the question to ponder... what would  physically seeing sin on someone look like?


Well shortly after this, I was reading a book, and it was giving a vivid description of Jesus carrying His cross to the hill where He was to be crucified. For all the times I've read over the gospels and known what happened to Jesus - where it describes a brutal beating and intense physical pain - I don't like to picture it because I am very squeamish at almost everything to do with blood, cuts, wounds, but the description just got to me....more than it has in a long time, and I discovered that THIS was the exact picture of what sin would look like on a human body. Absolute violence against it that makes you turn away, close your eyes, not wanting to look on something so horrid (again, especially if you're squeamish!)


It looks like a slow death... because that's exactly what sin is. It looks disgusting.

That's what we look like to God.

That's the bad news, however the bible is full of 'But God..." statements. But God chose to show us what sin physically looks like on the human body when Jesus took it on for us.

And that's just caused me to think about those times when I don't really care or take pleasure in my sin and that it's like getting joy out of someone violently beaten and killed, because that's what happened, even though because of Jesus it didn't happen to me. God hates violence, He is the opposite of death -which He can and did overcome.  

Sometimes I really need this kind of reminder to run away from sin that so easily entangles and it's something that will be on my mind as Easter time approaches.

Short thought on Ezekiel 36

I will show the holiness of my great name, which has been profaned among the nations, the name you have profaned among them. Then the nations will know that I am the Lord, declares the Sovereign Lord, when I am proved holy through you before their eyes.

~Ezekiel 36:23~ 

Some quick thoughts on this verse I read today... how often do we profane God's name in the ways of our daily lives? Not just in using His name in vain but in some many other ways when we make idols of things and mortals. And this verse really convicted me today.
But I love that even though His name has been profaned - a heart breaking thing to Him. But He still loved Israel and would redeem her and He still loves us and *WILL* prove Himself to be holy *THROUGH* us! I really love that a lot! :) 

Perfect in Weakness

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"

~ 2 Corinthians 12:9 ~

I understand intellectually what those words mean but for over a year I have had a little pink sticky note in my bible beside this verse with a little note saying 'I want to experience what this means'. Which is a very dangerous thing to ask. 

Because God likes to give when we ask things of Him.  For the past year I have tried to skip over this little pink note because my flesh wants the exact opposite. It does not want to know or experience this. And so God decided to give me a small dose. 

I came into the New year with a 'super confident, nothing will get me down, "I'm gonna chase all my dreams", not procrastinate on school work, make all these great plans AND be super spiritually disciplined' attitude. 

And then... two days before school was set to start back, where I could put most of these things into practice -  I got sick. 

I got the worst flu I can remember having -  it was a pretty brutal 3 days. 

It's quite laughable to be honest, for anyone suffering from sickness, chronic pain or diseases that don't go away but God definitely used those days to teach me. 

So much for that nothing's going to get me down - I couldn't get prepared and organized for school, I missed the first day of classes, my dreams seemed suddenly halted and I was groaning about how miserable I was - which isn't the best attitude to have when trying to be 'super spiritually disciplined'... 

So, I was forced to sit in bed and just talk to God! 

And during that  time I had to repent of this pride I had in my back to school resolutions, and admit that I was doing all this planning but not allowing or waiting for Him to direct my steps and relying on myself. 

In this time of (admittedly short) physical weakness I was able to see more clearly the weakness and sin within my own life and then in His grace He gave me the strength of humility to turn everything I had talked about over to Him again. This was a small dose of what I had been asking for, what I was curious about - 'what does it mean to experience this?' was answered.   

 And I reflected about this truth: How His power IS made perfect in weakness - in what we can not handle or bear (no matter how small or trivial) because God's power was shown perfectly in the weakness of himself clothed in humanity bearing what we could not. 

Pro Life

I love babies, anyone who knows me, knows I love looking at adorable baby pictures, tiny little outfits, holding little fingers snuggles. And every time I hold a baby I think of God and remember and am thankful that He's the author of all life, it's so amazing to learn about child development - from conception and on wards because it's a total display of God's glory!

Around this time of year, I'm especially heartbroken by the thought of abortion. This may be a strange thing to think of and pair up with the Christmas season - I could write a blog post attacking commercialism of this season but I'm not going to go there.

When I think of the baby in the manger sometimes I think of mothers who feel ashamed that they're pregnant, of those who can't afford the cost of having and raising a child, for those who were assaulted and raped, those who for any reason feel like they have no other option. And yes, it does make me angry to know that in many cases that little life is going to be snuffed out because destroying the life is destroying a part of God's masterpiece and a piece of His very own heart.

But mostly, it makes me have compassion on all those mothers who have had to face the decision.
I had a dream a few months ago and in this dream I faced that decision  and I wept for a long time after I woke up. I know I haven't had to face such a situation in reality, but many have, and that dream was so real to me that I think I can start to understand the emotions of such a reality.  It was truly terrifying.

While the killing of unborn children and destruction of life is horrible and wrong I also think of another reason that makes the thought of abortions burden my heart.

I believe God the Father loves His son Jesus more than anything else in the universe.

And I know that God chose to place His son in a womb for 9 months as the safest, most secure place that He would ever be. From the time Jesus was born He was hunted down by Herod and then eventually by religious leaders trying to take His life, the womb was the place where He was safe. And to violate that sacred place, and kill any life in it... is heartbreaking.




* I want to add that Abortion isn't a stand alone issue, and that "Pro Life" doesn't just mean Pro Life until a baby is born. It also means helping those families who do choose life - when maybe, the decision was hard to make. It means helping feed and clothe them and to help improve that life of the child and parents if it is in your power to do so.


And so as I sit on Christmas eve and think about Jesus in a small baby body, as a toddler, a teen, an adult -  I'm pretty thankful for life!

Remember

It's exam season and that means I'm burdened with test reviews from five different teachers on six different subjects of all the things I need to remember!
But perhaps burdened is the wrong word. I know there is a reason that my teachers want and need me to remember the majority of the things I'm learning... because it will be helpful and beneficial to me in my future career.

In the same way God asks us not to forget some  important things that will be beneficial and helpful to us, which is why throughout the bible He has continual reminders to help us remember.



I've composed a list of four things God asks us not to forget, so here they are:

1. Do Not Forget The Lord  
    This one seems like a no brainer but Chapter 8 of Deuteronomy is dedicated to this. God through the remainder of this book is going to give them a collection of laws surrounding their worship, theirs leaders, priests and kings as well as laws on civil life and social justice. So if they're about to get all these laws directly FROM God doesn't that mean they'll automatically remember Him?

Nope, and it's clear throughout the wandering in the desert, as the people go through their daily life they get caught up in the routine, they complain, they wonder why they are in the middle of a desert.

 Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down,  and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied,  then your heart will become proud and you will forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.
[Deuteronomy 8:11-14] 

 

WE do this as we go about our daily life too, we forget that He's a part of it, that He's the very reason for life. And so God reminds them and reminds us -  I am here - providing for you daily and I intend to bless you.  


2.  Do Not Forget His Laws, Commandments and Teaching
  Constantly through both the Old and New testament God is telling us to remember His laws, commandments and teaching.

My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you peace and prosperity 

[Proverbs 3:1-2]  

“If you love me, keep my commands..." [John 14:15]

God wants us to live holy lives pleasing to Him. Unfortunately if we don't know or remember these teachings we tend to make up our own version of it, based on what we 'kinda' remember, eventually we only remember the basics and do only what is easy, what suits us, and what everyone else in the world is doing. God gives us these laws, commandments and teachings because they ARE trustworthy and they preserve our (spiritual) lives.


3. Do Not Forget The Message You Have Heard
   This one is interconnected to the previous two. We must remember Him and His teachings because they are part of His message, who He is (Father, Son, Spirit) and His teachings reveal His character.

The message is this: His plan of salvation available to all and redemption of the human race through Christ.

This message is TRUE. But it means little if we know about God or know His teaching as a list of rules but don't understand the real purpose behind knowing it. God sent His own son because He wanted us to know this message and remember it, to hold onto when the trails come because when we don't  remember, to put it very simply: our lives will lack any meaning at all.



4. Do Not Forget That He Will Not Forget You 
  People fear being alone, lonely or unloved. We tend to feel this way when we think or feel like everyone has forgotten about us. Going back to the last three points: Why would we care or even want to remember someone and their message/teachings if we think they will forget about us after a while? We wouldn't, and so we forget about that person too and whatever it was that they may have taught.
But God has made covenants and promises to His people that He upholds. I can imagine that it's difficult to forget the people who are engraved on the palm of your hands [Isaiah 49:16], or those that you said you would be with until the end of the age [Matthew 28:20] or One who has promised over and over again to never leave us or forsake us. 

Because He remembers us, loves us and asks us to remember these things, are more than enough reason to do so! 

Construction

Our lives are built on day by day, thoughts, habits, attitudes and actions,  

 brick by brick we build up who we are. 

A few nights ago I was listening to the song 'Cornerstone' and I thought of this verse:

 You are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household,  built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone.  In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord.  And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit. 

Ephesians 2: 19-22 

This verse is talking about how through Christ the Jews and Gentiles are all God's people and that though there are differences in language, culture, history they're all now built on the most important part of what built the house - the cornerstone. 

A similar verse in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says: 

 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. 

Scripture gives us a clear picture that we are temples. Built brick by brick, day by day. 

Sometimes temples need to be torn down though, the temple we dedicate to ourselves that is. I recently celebrated five years since becoming a Christian!  Those first few months were especially hard, because the temple I'd been building to myself for my seventeen years of life had to be demolished. A new design, a detailed plan was made by God for this new temple.
 And then a rebuild had to start happening. 

So  what is the difference between a cornerstone and any other stone?

Despite my very basic knowledge of masonry, I know that it is the first stone that is put down and all the other stones are set in reference to it.  And so the rebuild begins, with Christ as reference to every other piece - and realistically every piece should be similar to the first one... 

But the rubble from that old temple remains... And sometimes we pick up a brick from the rubble pile and try to cement it in with the other bricks. And we know it doesn't quite belong anymore - 

For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. 

1 Corinthians 3: 11-13

Whatever you rebuild with it shows.

Whether that's an old cracked piece that we've tried to put back together ourselves or a certain brick we really loved and couldn't let go of.  It may hide behind another layer, or  be a brick that is only seen on the inside of the building, but it's still there and contributes to the structural soundness of the whole temple.  

 Remember to build with care. 

Longing for the past

There has been a lot of discontentment within my heart lately. The last 7 weeks to be more precise, because seven weeks ago I moved to a new city, with room mates, started a new college program after working full time for a year. I feel like I just wrote a similar post, about being discontent... and it has honestly been a struggle. There has been a lot of spiritual darkness surrounding these new transitions and coming at me in ways which I'm vulnerable to. And I've been wondering 'Why can't it be like the first time I was at college?' Why can't it be just like that? Why can't I be there?
Well this week I was there for a few days, I went and revisited that city and enjoyed it very much, seeing old friends and visiting the people and places I care for, reminiscing on the people and places where I left pieces of my heart. I took a walk out to my old favourite prayer place and I asked God 'why can't I be HERE?'

"You had your time here, you learned what you needed to learn, did what I asked you to do, it's time to do the same somewhere else"

Well this is the point where I started to cry. Because I knew, that I no longer had a life here, that it was good to visit and look back on the good and to think of what I learned from the good and the bad - because as much as I try to sugar coat it - there were hard times over the course of the two years I was there.

And then I was reminded of when some of the disciples went back to fishing after Jesus's death, they went back to what they had been doing, not sure what to do with themselves, on auto pilot. And that's not something I want to do.  The Lord made it very clear to me that I'm to do what I'm needed to do where I am now, to do it with integrity and that He will help me through it.

So that was my lesson this this week, if you're in transition, or somewhere new, there's a reason, you may not like all of it, or most of  it but somehow God will use it in your life, He can help to change your heart and your attitude towards it if you ask and He will help!

Turn your mind away

"But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent's cunning, your minds may somehow be lead astray from your pure and sincere devotion to Christ."
~2 Corinthians 11:3~ 

I came across this verse and was really struck by a couple things. First, that Paul is afraid for them, I'm not sure why that word stuck out to me as I read this verse but when I consider it, our minds being lead astray is something to be very afraid of. 

Our minds are often where sin starts. 

Consider Eve, she entertained the thought of taking the apple before she acted on it. 

Someone doesn't typically steal without contemplating or considering doing it first. 

Our thoughts  become our actions if we are not actively repenting of sinful thoughts - But sometimes we're not aware of our sinful thoughts, it's ingrained in our nature, the very core of who we as a human race are now, BUT we are also still deceived by the serpent's cunning. Sometimes it's blatant obvious sin that our train of thought travels in, sometimes it's half truths that seem harmless or very reasonable to our flawed minds, sometimes it's worldly entertainment and distractions that can become idols in our lives. 

I've had some real conviction in this area of my own life lately and wanted to write this post as a reminder. 

We can not have a pure and sincere devotion to Christ if we are being deceived or constantly allowing our minds to stray,  we can not serve two masters. 

A step back

I've gone back to post-secondary ! Yup, I'm stepping back into the world of class schedules, assignments, group projects and living away from home cooked meals.  I'm excited to be back in a time of expanding my knowledge again but as excited as I am for that the past week of moving away from friends and the town I know has made me quite discontent. Not that I don't like the people and classmates I've met here - but  I just want to be around the people who know me well, the things and places I know and love.

I don't want to feel lonely and alone, as I was thinking about all this late last night and early this morning I needed to take a big step back, breathe and stop listening to all the whining, the doubts, the fears - and that's when God started talking.

He reminded me that I don't need to be lonely, that I'm not alone. That my desire to be around what I know is a reminder saying to me that my soul desire's to be known by Him, not necessarily everyone else.
 He reminded me that my excitement for expanding my knowledge in school should not overpower my excitement to gain more knowledge of Him and that it should always be my  priority because I will need to know Him to live my life more than I will need my skills of using proper interventions, assessing clients or therapeutic programming.

Hopefully, this can be an encouragement and reminder to anyone else that needs it right now! :)

The wise and the foolish builders

"Everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.  But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

~Matthew 7:24-27~ 

I've always liked this parable, though I thought it a little bit obvious, to me it wasn't the most shocking thing that Jesus said - if you know even a little bit about building houses, you know that you NEED to build a house on a sturdy foundation, or it will eventually crack and crumble away.  

But as I was discussing this with a group of people a few months ago and was struck by something that had never occurred to me before about the two foundations in the parable, the obvious answer is to build the house on the rock - it's the wise thing to do...but the thing about sand is that it is made up of very small rocks. 

This is why we're told to examine things to test whether they are true according to scripture. Because it is so very easy to read or hear something that sounds like it's biblical and there may be an underlying biblical principle in there but it has been warped and then taken for truth, but it's merely sand and not solid rock. 

So I just wanted to take the time to share this insight so that others can ponder it and see if there are any thoughts and beliefs held that will be destroyed when rain and storms come. 

Casting the first stone

I've been thinking a lot about judgement in our culture the last few days and how it has come to have such a negative feeling to it. When in reality it is meant to be used to put an end to a dispute or issue, it is meant for the good of often bad or 'iffy' situations.
See below the definition of judgement.

"Judgement: The ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions"

Believers in Christ are meant to judge those within the church, who profess faith in Christ as well
 [1 Corinthians 5:12]. But I believe that we are to continually rely on the holy spirit to be able to make any kind of righteous judgement towards another or when pointing out something in another's life as it says in Matthew 7:1-5 and that we must show mercy in doing so.


I don't think judgement is the issue in this culture, I think that people too often confuse the term judgement with condemnation.

To condemn means: "to express complete disapproval or to sentence someone to punishment/death"

There is a huge difference in those definitions.  

See the thing that got me thinking about this was the story from John 8:

"The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group  and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery.  In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”  They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

 “No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

I love this story, because Jesus uses righteous judgement to tell the woman that yes, she is living in sin and to leave it. But I always wonder what became of her, did she turn from it because she was shown a merciful judgement or was it easier to go back to her sin. I would really like to know the answer one day. 

But until that day I want to strive to show mercy, not cast the stones of death. Because I know that mercy can be the difference between someone turning from their sin or that person returning to it, to a path that leads to death over those condemning them. 

A poem

As I spent some time with God tonight  I had some very eye opening moments about how my own prayer life has been lately which resulted in some tears and this poem that He gave me. I was amazed when it was all typed out that it echoes something of the pattern of many of the psalms in the bible - focused on the failure of self, and encounter with God and the desire for His glory and will as one spends time knowing who He is.
So here it is:



Told to boldly come to the throne of grace,
but run back to my life with such a haste

that should I truly encounter God,
I would know nothing of His heart, His thought.

To admit I'm weak - that I need You
In my pride I just can't do

But when I sit or stand or kneel,
allow my thoughts and tongue to heel
My God You become more beautiful to me,
And for a moment I can see

Through the trials, the hard things that come
I'm not sure how but Your will be done

So take my will and make it Yours,
let not your commands be a chore

In Your presence I'm made whole
Glory to You forevermore!

Emotions and Spirituality

This week has been an interesting one for me, situations and circumstances that have caused me to reflect and have showed me where I have put my trust.

Often our initial emotional reactions to issues or circumstances are much more accurate in showing what we believe than what we say we believe.

I’ve found the mantra in many churches or Christian circles to be that we can’t base our relationship with God, or situations on what we feel.  And that is true, we can’t base everything on what we’re feeling because we have a sinful nature as a base. We can very quickly become unjustly upset, angry, jealous, self-pitying feelings that often lead to sinful actions or reactions to others.

With that being said, emotions are not a bad thing. 

Jesus felt things deeply, He wept, He was anguished, He was joyful, He felt compassion.
But His emotions were surrendered to God the father.

This week I was upset about something that I said I had given to God. That I said I trusted Him with, but when push came to shove I realized that I had taken it back, my reaction told me that I didn’t believe with my heart that God is enough, that He knows what He’s doing. And I got emotional – and not in a good way… Afterwards that upset me more than the circumstances I was upset about.  I didn’t feel very good about anything.

We typically either, lash out with our emotions, leading to high tension, strife, bad things being said, or we suppress it – which allows those feelings to take root, to become part of you and to change patterns in thinking, that has the potential to come back and hurt you.

I did not want to not feel, because not feeling can be just as bad, it can lead to apathy, bitterness, neglect and in the past I have tried to suppress emotions sometimes because I thought it was ‘bad’ to be feeling something and if I tried to forget about it, it would go away, but that just gives the devil a foothold over you and time to let things get worse while they remain buried.

While I was struggling I was reminded of Psalm 62, in verse 8 it says:  “Trust in Him at all times, pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge”

This. THIS is the correct way to deal with crazy emotions, because God will not be angry at us for feeling, He knows we are not perfect, but He does want us to pour out our hearts to Him, so that He can speak to us, and say ‘it’s ok, just give it to me, I can give you peace and joy even if you’re not feeling it now’

So every time those sad, self-pitying, unbelieving thoughts popped into my head over the course of a couple days. I said “God, I am feeling this way, give me the emotions that will bring glory to you in this situation, because I know my reaction right now is not surrendered to You, it’s the enemy trying to hurt me – trying to cause sadness, jealously, and bitterness.  I know this in my head, but I still feel that way! I don’t feel faith filled, I feel doubtful and I really need help”

And you know what?! God did just what I asked Him!

And through the past week I have been able to spend a lot of time pouring my heart out to God, drawing closer in a new way and have been able to surrender and trust Him on a deeper level, that has been really sweet and special, and that feels pretty good! :) 

Sharing our lives

On Sunday night I was able to make it out to a prayer meeting/church service for the first time in about four months and let me tell you I needed it. 
To be able to just sit in God's presence with other believers without the sounds of chatting, tv shows, rap music or complaining in the background was really overwhelming. It was a peace that I've been missing out on and I still feel refreshed from it. Along with this peace of being able to pray and worship with other people, I've been sorely missing the community and relationships of having a church around me to encourage and be encouraged.

During the prayer time I felt compelled to flip open my bible to Thessalonians and read through chapter 2, and this was a total act of God because I couldn't even think of anything that's written in Thessalonians, as I'm reading - I got caught on verse 8:

"Just as a nursing mother cares for her children, so we cared for you. Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well."

I sat there for a minute and just thought about how sweet God is ! Because I have known this outpouring of love from others as God intended - friends near and far, have become like family - that I'm able to rejoice and share in the good news of the gospel with them but also to share my life with them!

It's just overwhelming, God intended for us to care for others, to share our lives with each other and be in relationship and I just really, really love that He designed it that way and am so grateful for it! 

And when I think about the friends and family I have because they have, in some way, shared God's truth with me years ago that lead me to where I am today, I'm able to rejoice in that with them but also have the joy of being able to continue to share my life with them and they with me! And, it's really an amazing blessing! :)